It’s been awhile.
I don’t think I’ve gone this long without posting anything since I started this blog in October of 2009. This post took me a long time to write: rather, I’d start it out one way, write a few sentences, immediately redact what I’d typed, agonize over it, and start again.
These last few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and not exactly my favorite time in my personal history. I’ve had worse, but I’ve definitely had better, and now that I feel like I’m finally “out” (or at least getting there), I can look back and reflect on everything that’s gone down.
Lots of change has taken place: some good, some not as good, but I’m here on the other side alive and well, so I’m not complaining. The Colombia fail, while now fun to joke about, was a blow to my ego and a major disappointment, and when I think back on it now I still get sad. But life goes on, and I’ve accepted the experience for what it was: an experience, a lesson learned, and, truly, a privilege to have had the opportunity to spend time in an incredible country.
I’ve been more active on Instagram lately, because let’s face it, a fun picture with a witty caption is a lot easier than having to write out “I feel like I’m dying on the inside”, at least in my mental state these last few months. I’m not sure why I felt the way I did, or to the degree that I felt it, but I absolutely was depressed. It was, to me, clearly circumstantial, as I had a lot of change and disappointment happen in a compressed period of time. I went to therapy, I had a stint on antidepressants, and I’m happy to say I’ve been feeling more like myself these days. These are never fun things to go through or to relay to another person, but I think it’s important to say these things and be honest with ourselves and whoever may stumble upon this blog. Life is far from perfect, and how we relate to one another is really what this is all about.
Now with a more clear head, there are many things I’d like to improve on, and regularity (and honesty) with this blog is certainly one of them. Changing as you get older is a real thing, y’all. I’m starting to do and like things that I never did even three or four years ago, like appreciating being in nature and watching documentaries. It’s weird: you roll your eyes and make fun of your parents and other older people who say things like “you’ll understand when you get older” when you’re a kid, but once you actually are older it becomes easier to understand.
Caring a whole heck of a lot less about what anybody has to say or think about how you live your life is liberating, and possessing a genuine love and appreciation for the wisdom of those who are older and more experience than you is empowering. Life seems to come more into focus, and you’re able to hone in on what you truly stand for and the reasons you do the things you do. This year has been a crash course in these lessons, and I wouldn’t change it at all.
So I think it’s entirely fitting that my return to this blog after a short hiatus is to show you all my Halloween costume, Eleven from Stranger Things. She is, in my mind, a badass female and a symbol of what I strive for in life: strength, resilience, and being a good friend. I shaved my head again for the sole purpose of doing this costume right, and in the spirit of getting older, giving zero fucks and living my life in the most authentic way I know how, it was absolutely worth it.
Happy Halloween, friends. It’s nice to see you again. ♥