dress: Frock by Tracy Reese
This isn’t a new dress. I got this back in 2010 to wear to my 10-year high school reunion.
Every six months or so, I debate whether I want to keep or sell this piece. It’s not because I don’t like it anymore, but because it usually doesn’t fit. It’s also one of the only pieces I’ve liked as much for as long (this is the other one).
The only reason I was able to shimmy my love handles into this dress again is because I’ve lost a few pounds, which is normally something I’m trying for (damn you, diet culture for seeping into my subconscious!) but the fact is it’s just a byproduct of the depressive episode I’ve been in lately.
It’s not easy to be depressed, and it’s even more difficult to tell anyone else that you’re depressed, that you feel hopeless, that you’re beholden to your seemingly constant shift in mood, and that all you want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear. It makes you not feel right. And it somehow doesn’t feel right to not be open and honest about it on this forum, especially since I’ve been absent for longer than I think I’ve gone since starting this blog nearly eight years ago.
That’s the thing about depression: it tells you to retreat and withdraw from the people and activities you love. My depression dulls my creative urge; it tells me that everything I create is shit, therefore I must be shit. It’s not a fun cycle to get caught up in. So I’m putting this out there for anyone who might be feeling helpless, worthless, or otherwise not themselves. It’s okay to not feel okay.
If this sounds like you, or has been something you’ve struggled with in the past, please know that you’re not alone. I’m getting the help I need and have support from people I love. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help too.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline