My retail karma is such that I’ll have a streak of good luck for several weeks, followed by a period of everything I like being discontinued. It’s so up and down that I almost never know what to expect when I venture out to shop, and it’s precisely why I rarely shop with a specific item in mind, because I never find exactly what I’m looking for. Need a plain black pencil skirt? They don’t make normal skirts anymore. Those bras you really like? Yeah, they no longer exist.

When I was out and about last weekend just poking around, it occurred to me that I could stand to add a few pairs of underthings to my lingerie drawer. Nothing provocative or even marginally exciting; just some pairs of good ol’ utilitarian underwear that I can always count on to do the job (sexy, no?) Victoria’s Secret is so all over the board when it comes to things I would actually wear: they seem to change their bra styles so frequently I can’t keep up, and their underwear selection… well. Let me tell you. If you’re firmly in Camp Full-Butt Underwear like I am (trust me, there’s nothing sexy about constantly yanking at the seams of your skivvies or trying to fish your underwear out of your crack every time you stand up), then you’ve been shocked and appalled by the disappearing act that VS has been pulling with undies over the years. They’ve stopped making just their normal ‘brief’ style, and their high-cut briefs seem to be getting less and less generous in terms of fabric use. The following is a pictorial of the underwear selection at Victoria’s Secret, along with what popped into my head upon reading the name of each style (language has been cleaned up for a mass audience):

Going, going, gone…?

No.

Absolutely not.

(vigorously shakes head)

Are you effing kidding me right now?

No comment.

If a woman were to tell me that the low-rise Itsy is her underwear of choice because ‘ZOMG they’re just soooooo comfortable!’ I’d probably just laugh in her face. I understand the aversion to VPL and that being the reason for wearing a thong, but I would say that 9 times out of 10, VPL is a function of the fit and fabric of the pants/shorts/skirt, NOT underwear style choice. And I’d also like to add that when the bottom half is tight enough, like with leggings or workout pants, you can still have VPL with a thong or g-string! This situation makes it even more uncomfortable because now I see your underwear lines and I’m remembering what it feels like to wear a thong. It’s just a bad visceral experience.

Am I the only one with this problem? Do you have the dish on a normal, human-style underwear source? For the love of all that is good, share that junk in the comments!