There are some fashion trends out there that I can appreciate the appeal of, yet decide that maybe they’re just not for me. And then there’s those things that I just. don’t. understand. This list is certainly not exhaustive, and I will probably reference this post in the future to amend this list, but these are just a few of the things I’ve been lamenting of late:

Dressing in a manner that is wildly inappropriate for the occasion.

A couple of weekends ago, I had gone to a Boise State tailgate party with some friends down by the stadium. This event was happening outdoors, in the middle of the day, and primarily attended by drunken, rowdy college students and fans of all ages. This particular afternoon was freezing cold and windy, and most people had come dressed accordingly in warm layers. And then… there were Those Girls. They could be seen wandering through the streets, usually in twos and threes, clad in what could be best described as daytime clubwear: skintight, embellished jeans in washes that should not exist, Lycra/spandex iridescent tops, and cropped jackets lined in some sort of faux fur. This look is best defined by the shoes and the hair. The shoes come from one of two classifications of poor footwear choices: knee-length, sueded wedge boots that are lined with the same faux fur as the cropped jacket and adorned with fringe, pom-poms, or some kind of non-functioning lace-up detail; or shoes with at least a 4-inch heel that will double as club shoes later in the evening. The hair is always way too overdone, in a color that most definitely does not (and should not) exist in nature, and styled in a massive, disheveled pouf. Those Girls looked freezing, windblown, and, not surprisingly, out of place.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, and seen much more frequently in a place like Boise, is the radical underdress. I work in a typical office setting, where there is a formal, written dress code, and one is expected to dress in a polished, professional manner that would reflect well upon the company. Most women who work for the organization at least make an attempt at this requirement, dressing to the best of their ability. And yet, there are some women I work with who dress as though they’ll be working in their yard all day: old t-shirts, stretch pants, white socks with black canvas shoes… I am not making this up. I understand that most of these women who choose to dress like this view their position in the company as a constant, not aspiring to anything more than a production job. What I don’t understand is the bold middle-finger message they’re sending to management via their wardrobe choices. You may not care about your job, but in this economy, you might want to consider wearing pants that don’t have an elastic waistband to avoid sending the wrong message.

Gross leather jackets.

I don’t mean a classic motorcycle jacket. I’m talking about the long, tent-like garments that come from those semi-annual clothing expos held out at the fairgrounds. They typically come in black, they have no tailoring to them whatsoever, and they just make the people who wear them look upholstered in cheap, brushed leather. They’re unfortunate for a number of reasons, but the most alarming is that for the amount of money one would spend on a gross leather jacket, one could purchase several garments that are far less offensive. The gross leather jacket is unisex: I’m not sure if it was designed that way, but I’ve seen men and women wearing the same gross leather jacket, sometimes coupled up so they can easily spot each other in a crowd. There’s also a men’s version of the gross leather jacket that comes in various shades of suede and has elastic at the wrists and the bottom hem. This version popped up in the late ’80s and early ’90s, and some men who bought these in the height of their popularity seem to think this garment has the wherewithal to go the distance and has a place in history as a fashion classic, because I see middle-aged men and older gentlemen wearing these out on the street. Even more disappointing, I see younger men in their 20s and 30s wearing these same versions of the gross leather jacket, and not in an ironic way. Sometimes a woman is actually accompanying these men; a woman who either a) being in the early stages of their courtship, or due to the bizarre power structure of their long-standing relationship, is too scared to breach the subject of the gross leather jacket with her man, or b) is herself oblivious to the dated, offensive qualities of the gross leather jacket. All around, it’s just a scary, sad situation. The gross leather jacket should never be given the green light in any scenario, save perhaps a costume party tribute to bad fashion choices.

Trendy garments that are not flattering on any body type.

There are numerous items that could fall under this category, but a couple of specific things come to mind: gaucho pants and bubble hems. The former is a trend that came about a couple of years ago and was mass-marketed in the big-box discount chains. If you’ve never seen these, first consider yourself lucky, and second, do an image search for ‘gaucho pants’ and you’ll see what I mean. They’re usually made of an ultra-thin cotton/spandex blend and come in a variety of colors. They’re very fitted through the waist and seat (which eliminates roughly 95% of the female population from the pool of people who may actually be able to carry this look off), and then flare suddenly from the upper thigh all the way down. They could be described as “skirt-pants”, as I think this may be what the designer was going for when this concept was thought up. I would just describe them as “bad”.

Bubble hems are a baffling addition to the fashion world. They transform an otherwise innocuous dress into a maternity garment, giving the illusory addition of 10 extra pounds to the midsection. Why any woman would get behind this look is beyond me; I think that some women are under the impression that the balloon-like effect that this trend has acts as camouflage, but it does just the opposite and makes a bad thing worse.

The weather here is getting colder and the layers of clothing are getting thicker and more numerous, thus more opportunities to miss the fashion mark. Stay tuned: I’ve got my eye out for winter fashion failures.

-dau