Jim Morrison said it (and boy was he right), but I wonder what he’d have to say about the baffling human behavior so prevalent in modern society. I find myself perplexed and, at times, straight up bewildered by the words and actions of my fellow humans. Every day, someone I cross paths with will say or do something that leaves me simultaneously confused and worried for the future of the human race. Though certainly not limited to these forums, here are a few places where strange (and sometimes utterly abhorrent) human behavior abounds:

Airports

Standing on the moving sidewalk. All too often when using this modern airport convenience, I’ll see a herd of fools blocking the entire width of the moving sidewalk with stacks of luggage, then act surprised when someone has to prompt them to move aside to clear a path for moving traffic. This isn’t Six Flags, folks; the moving sidewalk is not a ride. People have places to be. Keep it moving.

“What do you mean I have to take my shoes off/pour my water out/throw away this expensive bottle of wine I thought I’d be able to carry on?” Cripes, people: have you not flown in the last 13 years? Yes, the airport security rigamarole is a pain in the arse. But this is not a new set of guidelines that was just thought up; this drill has been in place for quite some time and isn’t looking to change any time soon. And while we’re on the subject of security line shenanigans, can we also talk about the folks who wear completely impractical clothing for air travel? Why people would choose to wear their tall lace-up Doc Martens on a flight and have to deal with taking them on and off at the security line, I’ll never understand. (Sidenote: the site passengershaming.com was in the news recently and I have to say, I love this.)

Airplane seat shuffling. I was recently on a flight where a man sitting behind me asked the person next to him if he’d mind moving so that he and his wife could sit next to each other. There are two facets to this situation that confound me: one, you get to choose your seat when you book the flight. You had your chance. And two, it’s always a couple or a parent and child that have this issue: can you not stand to be separated for a few hours of your lives?

image via passengershaming.com

Social Media

Couples’ Facebook pages. We’ve all seen them: Facebook pages under ‘JimNMaria Simonson’ or ‘MikeAndClaire Adams’. Is it a trust thing? Do you two secretly wish that you could merge together and occupy the same space? I suppose I just don’t understand not wanting a separate identity from your significant other, plus, when you see a post from a couples’ page, you never know who’s written it. What are the rules around this? Who posts what? When one posts something, does s/he speak for the both of you, always, on all subjects and at all times? Staaaaaaahp.

Hysterically inappropriate LinkedIn photos. In case you’re not, er, linked in, this social media platform is intended to be strictly professional. What cracks me up is the number of people I see on this forum (some of whom, based on the looks of things, have been in the working world a lot longer than I have) with profile photos that don’t exactly say “I’m here to work.” Glamour shots, couples’ photos (maybe they’re the same people with the singular Facebook profile!), vacation photos with drinks in hand… it never ceases to amaze me that some folks just don’t seem to get it.

Posting pictures of weed and nearly naked girls on Instagram. Why? Why do you need to post photos of the kind bud you just scored, or of the scantily clad female who (stupidly) agreed to shed her clothing and let you snap a photo? And another thing: I’m sick of searching for things using innocuous hashtags like ‘#kittens’ and ‘#fashion’ only to return reams of half naked what-have-you and other unrelated ridiculousness. No one wants to see your bajillion Crossfit photos with the hashtag ‘#cake’ attached to it, trust me.

Driving

The ‘Texas Exit’. I’ve seen this move executed in other states, but its prevalence in Texas is unmatched. This is where someone is driving on the freeway in the left-hand lane, suddenly sees the exit they need to get off at on the right, and careens through traffic endangering others’ lives to make it down the ramp. Don’t make other people pay for your mistake. There will be another exit.

Under-driving. By this I mean people who consistently drive 10 miles per hour under the speed limit (more often than not, in the far left lane) and then wonder why people are scrambling to get around them. (Come to think of it, these are likely the same people standing around on the moving side walk at the airport.) If you attempt to enter the highway at 35 miles per hour, people behind you are going to be pissed. Get with the program.

Parking like a jerk. Another one that’s self-explanatory, but no less irritating. It’s never acceptable to have your vehicle occupy more than one parking stall, and if you do drive a massive vehicle that spills into more than one space, do everyone a favor and take your vehicular monstrosity to the back of the parking lot.

Dick move, brah.

People of planet Earth, I implore you. If you do these things, stop doing these things. Everybody hates you. Be safe, be kind, and always keep to the right and pass to the left.